The Other Side

On our side of the adoption process, we are having fun preparing a baby room and making preparations to be parents. Although the waiting is a challenge, it's nothing in comparison to the challenges birth moms are facing. On the other side of our adoption process is a birth mom dealing with a crisis pregnancy with possibly no support; at the same time she is trying to cope with developing an adoption plan and the sacrifice of parental rights. The birth mom perspective was told to us before, but it changed from a story to a reality when we actually saw adoption from a birth mom's perspective.

About 1 1/2 months ago, TLC aired a special documentary about birth moms. The show was set in Utah at a home for birth moms anticipating adoption. The three moms showed were very different from each other. Despite their differences in backgrounds and personalities, they were facing the same challenging decision - creating an adoption plan. All three of these courageous women did follow through with their adoption plan, but it didn't come easy for them.

Portfolio Search: For many domestic adoptions, birth moms/birth parents are able to chose a family for her/their child. If using an agency, birth moms are given multiple portfolios to view (like what we created). They look through those portfolios to narrow down their options of who they would like to parent their children. For one of the individuals on the show, she was cutting it close. She was very close to her due date but still hadn't found the family she wanted for her baby. Her case worker showed her some portfolios, but she didn't like those. She was shown more portfolios but didn't like those, either. Finally, she requested about 20 more portfolios to view. It was so difficult for her to pick a family! I'm sure their were many amazing and loving families in that pile that would have been great, but the birth mom had to find the right one for her that she thought would be perfect for her son or daughter. Think about it: You are a mom in a crisis pregnancy situation. No matter what circumstances led to your pregnancy, you are still a mom of a child. You carry that child for months while you try to decide who you will give your child to after it is born because your circumstances aren't the best for your child. That has to be really really hard! To allow someone else to parent one's child is an honorable and sacrificial display of love, because letting go of that child must be hard. I can understand why finding the right portfolio is difficult! Once a family is chosen by the birth mom, the birth mom has the option of meeting with that family for an interview-type situation.

Meeting Families: Some birth moms like to meet their prospective adoptive family prior to the adoption. Meeting a family is not a guarantee of adoption, but it's purpose is to help the birth mom see what the couple in the portfolio is like in person. On the show we watched, the visits went well. The mom, case worker, and prospective adoptive family met together at restaurants. They asked each other questions, talked about their desires for the child, etc. Once the meeting was over, the birth moms still had the chance to go home and think about the meeting to make a decision. The decision can take as long as the birth mom wants it to, but these three women were getting stressed out because they wanted to choose families prior to their fast-approaching delivery dates. Once a family was officially selected by a birth mom, that family was notified (although a birth mom can still change her mind for a period of time after giving birth). Just as the prospective adoptive parents are dealing with an emotional roller coaster, so are the birth moms. As the show displayed, the birth moms were still questioning their decision, going to doctor appointments, making preparations for birth, figuring out what to do and where to go after birth, etc. Then the day finally comes . . . the birth day.

Birth: Birthing time at the hospital was so difficult for the moms shown on the television documentary. They were facing an array of pains: pains of labor, pains of no support, pains of the difficult decision ahead, pains . . . These women were extremely emotional and having a really hard time. They had carried a child full term and then had to go through the challenges of labor. Next to them is a caring case worker who is also dealing with emotional struggles as she tries to be the support and encouragement these women need. Once the pains of labor are over, the moms face the pain of decision: to hold the child or not to hold the child, to see the child or not see the child, to change her mind to parent or stick with her adoption plan . . . On the documentary, the moms decided to hold their babies at least once. Imagine holding your baby and thinking of all your dreams for him or her and realizing that you may never see him or her again. I still can't grasp that, but that's what birth moms face all the time. Once the birth is over, it's time for the final decision: surrender parental rights or not.

Signing Papers: Signing papers to relinquish parental rights was the part of the documentary that hit me the most. These women had a hard time with this, and rightfully so. They wanted to be able to parent their child, but they knew their circumstances weren't good for their babies. They wanted what was best for their child, but letting go was hard. Putting the pen to the paper must have been the worst pain their hearts had ever felt! The birth moms cried and cried. One signed the papers and said to take the papers away because she didn't want to look at them anymore. Another one took extra time signing her papers because she almost changed her mind (and the prospective adoptive parents were in the waiting room and had already been in the birthing room). This was a challenging time for the case workers as well since they had to watch all of this happen in their faces.

After all is said and done, the birth moms leave the hospital . . . with no baby. My heart hurt so much for them! They loved their children so much that they chose to allow someone else to parent them. Sound familiar? God gave up His one and only son Jesus so that I could be adopted by God in return. That's love! Just like any loving parent, these birth moms had to go through a time of grieving their loss. While a couple is celebrating having a new child in their home, a birth mom is weeping at having a child not at her home. However, the three moms were happy with their decision and followed through with their adoption plans. They were able to move on because they knew that their children were being well taken care of and loved. They each went on to pursue their dreams and get back on their feet.

Yes, being a prospective adoptive parent comes with sacrifices, but often the birth mom's sacrifices are overlooked. I will forever love and admire our birth mom, even if I never get to meet her in person. I am so thankful I was able to view this birth mom documentary. It was eye-opening and insightful. My perspective was definitely altered for the better. Eric and I have days where waiting for God's child for us is hard, but knowing what's happening on the other side makes a difference. Somewhere else in Georgia is a lady in a crisis pregnancy situation making one of the toughest decisions of her life. Who am I to rush that or complain about that? She needs support, patience, and understanding. She needs someone else praying for her. She needs God's strength and wisdom just like we do. Who will take care of her and reach out to her? Adoption is a ministry, so consider the other side.