Unveiled

A common part of a bride's attire is a veil. The wedding veil I wore in my wedding was also worn by Eric's mom at her wedding. Traditionally, wedding veils are used to cover a bride's face until she is either given away by her father or before the big kiss. My wedding veil was actually just for looks. I never wore it over my face because I didn't want anything shielding my view of my husband.

Another type of face covering is a mask. Not all masks cover the eyes, but they do alter the appearance of the one wearing the mask. As said best by my college girls this summer after wearing a mask for only a short time, "Masks are uncomfortable. They are distracting. I can't see everything. It's hard to focus." Well said, girls! That's exactly what masks do, and that's exactly why I didn't want my wedding veil over my face!

Although I haven't been wearing a physical veil or mask over my face, I have been unknowingly wearing a veil or mask for years. However, I didn't know about it until this adoption process. Erin, wearing a mask? Yep! I couldn't believe it either and had a hard time coming to grips with that idea, but it's true. What mask have I been wearing? A mask of the try-hard life.

What's the try-hard life?
- setting expectations upon yourself that no one else even knows about or assigned to you
- putting too much effort into things that could be simplified
- letting the to-do list that you made up for yourself that didn't really need to be done consume time that was needed for something important
- pleasing people and making sure that everyone is happy and not upset at you
- trying to make things right that only God can make right
- doing good things but not checking with God first to make sure those good things are good things He wants done by you
- beating yourself up inside when you can't perform tasks the way you think you should
- putting on a face that everything is okay and that you have everything together

Masks and veils are blinders. For years I thought that doing the right thing was so important. I had to make all A's. I had to have everything in my classroom just right. I had to dust the top of the book case before company came over. I had to do as much with our college girls as I possibly could. I had to act like I was fine even when I wasn't because someone had to be the strong one. WHO SAID I HAD TO DO ALL THAT?! I did! I got upset at myself when I had to grade papers instead of meet one of our college girls for coffee because college pastor's wives should be able to be there for their students 24/7 and I couldn't. I got upset at myself when I couldn't have the house look as nice for Eric as I thought it should. I got upset at myself when I was behind on laundry because a good wife is always up-to-date on laundry. I got upset when I knew I unknowingly upset friends, because friends are not supposed to make other people hurt. WHO GAVE ME ALL OF THOSE WIFE, PASTOR'S WIFE, AND FRIEND EXPECTATIONS?! I did! I thought that if I shared what I was really thinking with someone that I would be a burden, even though I was willing to give hours of listening ears and encouragement to help someone else who was struggling. I spent so much time trying to make others happy that I wasn't taking care of my own needs. I have always been a peacemaker when God is the only one that can bring true peace. I have always tried to be a people-pleaser when only God can please all people. I was blind!!! All those years gone by and I thought I was helping people. I was helping people, but I was also hurting myself at the same time. I finally realized that I have been trying to be who I thought I should be instead of just being who God made me to be.

Mirrors reveal so much! I have had many mirrors in my path, especially over this past year . . . mirrors of friends, books, circumstances, and God's Word. Although the mask I had on was completely unintentional and unnoticed on my own face, I saw it so clearly when I was forced to look in the mirror. I knew people wore masks, but I didn't know that I was one of them. Once God opened my eyes to it, I had two options - be in bondage and keep it on, or be free and take it off. I chose freedom.

True freedom comes from God's grace. That's the part I had missed for so long. I've been a Christian for 22 years and can tell people all about God's grace, but I wasn't living in the freedom of God's grace. Grace: receiving something you don't deserve; benevolence; favor. God is the grace-giver! I even have those words on our baby room wall, but I didn't fully grasp that until recently. God's Word says in 2 Corinthians 3:16-17, ". . . whenever a person turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty." John 8:31-32 also talks about freedom when Jesus says the following: "If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." Having freedom in Christ is a display of God's grace. The words of the Lord spoken to Paul are still relevant to us today: "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Paul even says in 1 Corinthians 15:10 that ". . . by the grace of God I am what I am . . ." What it really boils down to is this: I had to realize that even though I knew I wasn't perfect, I had to be okay with the fact that it is okay for other people to know that I'm not perfect. I've always had trouble sharing when I was struggling or when I needed prayer or admitting that I was sick. God's power is perfected in my weakness! I should embrace my weaknesses, because my weaknesses show how great my God is. My eyes have been opened to so many other people, even in church, who are acting like they have it all together and really don't. Who said we had to go through life alone and deal with life's problems alone? When we let down our pride and be who God wants us to be and not who we think we should be, we can experience the freedom of God's grace. It's God's grace that has already removed the ultimate veil, so why put on another one?  

My veil officially came all the way off on June 20, 2012 - the morning of our home study update. Thirty minutes prior to our caseworker's arrival, I was turning through Scripture to read about spiritual adoption. On my way to the spiritual adoption passage I passed a verse about grace. The word grace just popped off the page as if it was yelling at me. Since God had already been revealing my mask to me and teaching me about grace, I had to stop and read the verse again. Then the Holy Spirit just came all over me! I'm not a crier, but I began to weep! I couldn't help it! I was so overwhelmed when it finally clicked! It was like a huge weight had been removed from me. In those moments I had another revelation . . .

Often times in the middle of waiting periods we ask, "God, why are you having me go through this? What are you trying to teach me?" I received an answer to my why and what questions on that June 20th morning. In the midst of God's presence and outpouring of grace's freedom, I realized that God has had me in this adoption waiting period to teach me God's grace. Charis is a name that we have always loved since our seminary days - it's Greek for grace. That came back to me as I realized that although we've never met our little Charis/Grace, God has already used her (or him) to teach me God's grace! Our child might not even be born yet, but God has used that child to reveal to me the freedom that is found in God's grace. This was such a monumental and life-changing moment for me. It gave me so much more peace about our adoption. I know I will need to live in the freedom of God's grace as a mom, so I'm thankful I was able to learn this lesson on this side of parenthood! Even in the waiting God is working!